2012

Time surely pass by quickly. After the long wait, Christmas is already over. To be honest, I really didn't feel much of the Christmas spirit this year. I dunno why, it's just it didn't seem Christmas at all, compared to the past years.

As usual we went to our home at Pasig and celebrated with our extended family from our mother side. There were plenty of yummy foods, pork ribs (THIS WAS TOTALLY YUMMY, restaurant quality), palabok, cake, fruits, fried tilapias, salads, pastas, and many more. I was really stuffed. I had 2 breakfast, 2 lunch and 2 dinner meals that day. Antakaw ko alam ko lol...

this was the only photo with me in it LOL

I opened it today.
.
.
.
For a second, I heard a pang in my heart.
I still really wished though that he had received it.

Thinking it'll be a waste not to eat it, I took one.
The flavor's sweet and good, yeah, but I don't feel good eating it.

I took another one, but still, I felt bad though the chocolates were so amazingly delicious.
I wondered, Would he have enjoyed it?

I closed the box and thought to myself that I couldn't eat it so I'll just give it to someone else.
I guess the chocolates somehow remind me how I felt rejected not being able to hand it to him.

It amazes me how one's feeling can affect one greatly.

oh, bench, you really have this one little girl's thoughts wrapped around your finger.

I don't even know how to start..
hmm... so I'll just write down whatever pops in my mind...

I wanted to give him a Christmas gift.
I dunno why, but I just had the urge to give it to him, probably hoping that this could make him a bit happier, (he had been sad for quite a while now)
I may not know why he was down lately, but I just wanted to make him a little happy.
I mean, I know, it might be crazy, we haven't talked much at all. I'm practically a stranger to him, but I really really wanted to.

So taking up all my courage and wishing hard on my luck, I  bought him a gift and went to school (without any clue whether he'll come or not).

SATURDAY.
I stood there for 3 or so hours, waiting for him.
I could have texted him or something, but well, that would make me TOO much of a stalker already so I decided not to.
Sadly, well, I didn't see him. So I took my gift home and waited for another chance to give it to him.

The following FRIDAY
A week has passed, I still held on to my gift, still hoping that I would be able to give it to him. As I sat down the office, I received a text that he was at some printing company, my friend happened to be printing there as well. With her help, I found out that he was going to school.

My heart felt joy. I could see him, I thought. So though I was out an hour early, I rushed to where they were.

But alas, he was gone already.

Thinking he might be at school, I went. He was there, my friends told me, but for some reason, we still didn't meet.

He was so close, but still, we missed each other.

Still hoping, I waited for three whole hours again, outside our campus. Still, the long wait was in vain. No sign of him was found so I went home with my friend.

Today, I woke up from a dream that I was able to actually give it to him. He smiled at me and accepted it. How I really wished it did happen. But I guess, it wasn't meant to be.

I've done my part and if it was meant to happen, it will happen.
I've just gotta trust that my father in heaven has a greater plan for me. :)

waiting...
...
...
waiting...
...
...
waiting...

One little girl stood waiting. She wore black which has the same color of the little box she was holding.
Standing there, she looks left and right, hoping to catch a glimpse of the person she was waiting for.

It was 12:30...

then 1:00 ...

then 1:30 ...


still, there was no sign of him whom she was waiting for.

Her feet started to ache.
Her heart started to ache.

Still, no shadow of him could be found.

Five minutes before 2:00, her determination started to waver.

Maybe he already left... 
Maybe he didn't come after all...

After all, they made no promises to meet.
They haven't talked.
She was a stranger to him.

Yet she still kept waiting.
Hoping that somehow, maybe she would see him and give him that gift she oh so dearly held.

The clock struck two, but alas, she didn't saw him. The little girl started walking away, holding her gift, saddened that they didn't meet.

Expectation hurts.

The past 17 years of my existence taught me that. But still, no matter how much I tell myself not to expect, a little bit of expectation remains in my heart... still hoping that whatever I wish for would come true. Sadly though, most of the times, I would end up with tears in my eyes. Not because of joy, but because of sadness.

Over and over, I cried silently in some corner. Asking myself, "what else did you expect?", but still when an opportunity comes, expectation still climbs to my heart, still hoping that things will change.

Often I would just wish my heart will learn not to expect too much to save me from being hurt. I've been hurt enough. Or that my eyes would be too numb from crying that I'll forget how to cry.

My eyes hurt.
My heart hurts.
I don't want this anymore.